Finding My Joy 

I firmly believe that, when life gives you lemons, make spiked lemonade. Over the course of my life, I mastered the art of smiling on the outside while secretly hating myself on the inside. For me, smiling always came naturally. I was labeled a happy kid, teenager, and young adult. No one knew how I felt about myself because I was good at appearing happy. In fact, I have many happy memories of friends, family, co-workers, and lovers. I enjoy people. I have spent the majority of my life as a happy person in my social circles. People often gravitate to me. I laugh hard, sing like I am alone in the shower, and I will bring a friend a bowl of homemade soup if they are in need. Yet, deep down, I just like me. 

My journey to overcoming my insecurities and finding my inner smile was not easy. It was filled with a lot of soul searching and forgiveness. Although I am 6’2 and 315 pounds, I have very few memories of being bullied or not being able to get a date to the movies. What I do remember is silently wishing that I looked like the guys on the Sports Illustrated cover. No one ever told me that the way I looked was wrong, at least not to my face. Yet, I am no fool. I knew that being overweight was extremely unhealthy and could lead to several complications. I witnessed my mother and father struggle with their mobility. 

I cannot say that I woke up and stopped hating myself overnight. That would be a lie. It was a process that began when my friend Carl committed suicide. Carl and I had been friends for years. He was a happy person like me. Carl had a good job and a loving girlfriend, but Carl was secretly depressed. Nobody saw the signs. Nobody thought to look beyond his smile, not even me, the professional smile actor. 

It was at Carl’s funeral that I finally broke down about how I felt inside. I knew that I had considered suicide because of my weight. I knew that I hated the way that I looked. I knew that I needed help changing how I saw myself before my thoughts took over my life. 

The first person that I told my truth too was my friend Molly. She was always a great listener. Molly helped me find a support group, and she offered to walk with me every day. She wasn’t pushy, nor did she ask me tons of questions. She allowed me to share my feelings on my terms. 

In my support group, I learned that there are thousands of people just like me. People who are sad on the inside but smiling on the outside. I learned not to body shame myself. I learned, that I am in control of my life and that it was up to me to change what I did not like. It took me nearly two years to lose 80 pounds, but that was not my greatest reward. Learning to love me no matter my size has been my best gift to me. 
Share by: