Blame
Blame
Blame is easy to disperse except when we are the ones at fault. I was blessed with a good man. He worked hard and showed me that he loved me at every turn. Loving him was easy. He did not make much fuss, and he did not have any addictions. Yet, I almost lost my good man. I did not almost lose him to another woman, nor did I find comfort in the arms of another man. I almost lost my good man because I was unwilling to see his sadness.
When I met my husband, it was love at first sight. We moved quickly despite the warnings of others. My husband and I silenced all of the negative Debbie’s after we celebrated our 10th year of marriage. In fact, I have been married to my good man for 26 years. During our marriage, I had come to know my husband as a predictable man. So, when he sat me down and told me that he wanted a divorce, I was utterly shocked. I felt like a boulder had fallen on my body, and I could not breathe. Unwilling to comprehend his request, I began to ask him why. My father always told me to be careful when asking anyone why because I might not be prepared for the response.
Ignoring my father’s advice. I pushed a series of whys onto my husband. This was more than a mistake. My husband’s response came easy like gin. He was tired of not being seen. Yes, he had told me on numerous occasions that he needed this or that, but he was a simple man in my opinion and what I wanted took precedence. He would make a request over the years, but then it would fade to black as my requests were given greater weight in our relationship. I did not know that he was keeping a record of overlooks. I did let his momma stay for three months when her house was being remodeled. That should have counted for something in my mind. However, he wasn’t just referencing things, but caring for his desires in life.
We live where we live because I wanted to move to the city. He walked away from his career in law enforcement for a job that was safer for my heart. He loved my child despite my giving him none. I was so use to taking his love that I forgot how to hear his heart and respond. That night he moved out. He had been planning his exit for some time. The week after he left was a blur. It was filled with so much pain that it still hurts three years later.
After my husband left, I told no one. I was ashamed. How do I explain to people that I was too selfish to see him? He even said to me that I had stopped saying thank you for the things he had done for me. Over the course of the six months that my husband was gone, I did some soul searching. I got myself into therapy, and I had to face some hard truths about myself. I also had to reconnect with God. God can give you your heart’s desires, but it is up to you to maintain it.
The path back to us loving like newlyweds was not easy. He had to find his NO. He had to learn not to allow himself to be walked on. He had to forgive himself for losing himself before he was willing to love me again. It took work on top of work, but I refused to lose my good man to selfishness. Love has to be a give and take, or it will die. My husband is a good man, and I will never overlook him again.